Celebrity matchmaker, Jasmine Diaz offers up her relationship advice exclusively on VeryUnmarried.
This topic has been on my heart for the past few weeks, and I realized a day or so ago that this needed to be discussed since letting go can be difficult when you embark on the dating journey.
I work with a lot of different people and often come across those with baggage. The most challenging aspect of working with a client who has been damaged (mentally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise), is helping them to understand that letting go is most necessary.
I am sure someone reading this will say to me, “that’s easy for you to say because you haven’t been through _______ (fill in the blanks).” And while this may be true, the point that you are missing most is that when you date, your baggage shows like some massive 1980’s shoulder pads. If you think you will get a new man or woman to carry that ugly baggage with you, then you are in for a rude awakening.
Recently I set up a client on a date with a really great 30 something year-old guy. He is the kind of man every woman wants. He is confident, attractive, successful, spiritual, financial stable, and ready to commit. The date was fabulous, but when I received feedback from him shortly after, it was less than stellar. “She had a lot of layers, and I’m not sure I want to spend time breaking down her walls.” My heart sank. Instead of focusing on how great she was, his last impression was that she was broken.
Why would someone want to spend time breaking down those walls? She may be completely worth it, but how will he know that? You have to let go a little in order for people to see the real you, and if the real you is hiding in the basement of a 4 story walk-up, they will move on to a house less complicated. Is it truly realistic to expect someone new to take time uncovering the many flavors of who you are on the first date? If your answer is yes, explain why you think that is reasonable (I really want your comments below).
Let’s get real for a second here ladies and gentleman; you who are quick to dismiss a person if they aren’t 6 feet tall, as gorgeous as Beyonce, as Degreed as you are, or as financially secure. You really expect your next person to spend time getting to know you when you won’t do the same? I think it’s fair to say that we’re all amazing people if we spend time getting to know one another, but are you worth the time? If you are, then show it!
There comes a time in your dating life when you realize that what you’re doing and who you’ve become doesn’t work for what most people are looking for. If you’re angry, hard to get along with, overtly aggressive, unrealistic (truly the list can go on), you have to be willing to ask yourself why! Why am I so pissed off at men? Why don’t I like dating Black women? Understanding why we do what we do is the first step of knowing when it’s time to make a change. Once you’ve figured out why, it’s time to evaluate whether what you’re holding on to is worth it.
So you’ve been abandoned as a child. Life deals some really messed up cards, but you can choose your own path. The trust issues you have developed are so important to you that you are not willing to open yourself up to allow someone to love you? This person has done nothing to deserve your distrust. Let go.
There also comes a point when you must take isolated incidents for what they are. You’ve had a bad experience in church. Does that mean all church going men are deceitful and dishonest? NO! The woman you loved cheated on you with another man. Will all the women you meet cheat on you? NO! The actions of a few are not the actions of many, and as long as you believe that lie, you will be alone.
I hope you look inside yourself and see how amazing you are. Truly spectacular. Now knock ’em dead with your charm.
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